More little things

Wow - so I just realized my last post was Nov. 21st. Way too long to wait between postings, but at least I'm getting another one in before a month has passed - not too bad, I guess.

I was trying to think of what to post, what has really stood out in the last few weeks. There has been a lot that has happened, but I think the thing that has made the biggest impression has to do with more of the little things...

For those of you who know me, you know that Jason and I are expecting our fourth baby in May. Each pregnancy and the circumstances surrounding them have been incredibly different. They range for total shock and surprise, to being early and dramatic, to being totally planned (this one).

I think maybe I went into this pregnancy thinking that maybe it would be kind of the "same old, same old." I mean, it hasn't been that long since I went through my first pregnancy and definitely not long since the previous one. But, I am amazed at how new things feel all the time. Who knows, maybe I am suffering from memory loss due to hormones or lack of sleep or both. Regardless, everything feels new again. My poor hubby is probably so tired of me asking "was it like this last time?" "Did I feel like I would never feel better last time?" "Was I this BIG last time?" He is sooooo patient with me - what a guy!!

This past week Jason and I both got to feel the baby move and we also had an ultrasound. After the ultrasounds with the other three kids, there is not much different with looking at a baby at this stage of gestation. They all look like little aliens! But, last night when we were seeing the little one for the first time - there was this huge sense of awe that washed over me again - "that's mine - that's ours." I am amazed at how perfect everything works, how beautifully formed babies are - even at 16 weeks.

I am reminded of how God "knits us together in the womb." I love to think that this little person has a destiny and a calling and a purpose beyond anything I can imagine - already! He (or she) was picked to be born, to come into this world at this time for God's amazing purposes - it blows me away.

I kind of got to thinking on a much grander scale. If I am so overwhelmed with the miracle of life each time I am pregnant, even each time I hear of someone carrying a child, then how much more joy does our Heavenly Father feel each time a life enters the kingdom. The Bible says that the angels rejoice when a soul is saved - I think I saw that in a new perspective last night. For as much joy and rejoicing we feel when a new life is born into this world - what a party it must be when those lives enter into Eternal Life! I would love to be witness to that one!

Lord, help me to never lose sight of the miracle of new life - on earth and in Heaven!

If you like to...

I watched a pretty good movie last night. I don't think there was anything too remarkable about it - it definitely will not win any awards. But there is one line that has stuck with me all day, something that touched a spot deep in my spirit.

In the movie, there is a young girl who wants to dance, whose parents are paying for dance lessons, but she just is not "good" at it. She tells her dance instructor "I just don't think I was made to dance." Her instructor asks her "Do you like do dance?" "Well, yeah" she replies. He says "Well, then, you were made to dance." She later repeats this same phrase to a young man she is dancing with.

When I first heard it, I knew there was some spiritual truth being spoken. As I have thought about it today, I have realized how much I, and maybe I am not alone, have believed the lie that if you are not good at it at first then you should quit. Ouch. I have tried countless things, countless numbers of times and when I don't find success or fulfillment or affirmation I quit. Obviously I was not made to do those things, right. Uh, wrong.

I have realized lately how much passion and desire is an integral part of how God made us. He created passion. He perfected it. The things that I long for, the things that I might even just think would bring me joy are not there by accident. He placed them in me. Just because I am not "good" at it by my standards does not give me reason or excuse to bury the passion for those things.

I mean, really, how many people are good at what they do the first time they do it? Not many. I think God has designed passion and desire to be so deep and consuming that we will fight for fulfillment. Is it possible that He wants us to want to find those things that He placed in us SO much that the struggle is by design? I know I find that in my relationship with Him. He wants me to CHOOSE to seek Him above all else, to lay down the easy things to do the passionate thing. Oh, God, show my how seek passion, how to fight for the fulfillment of desire. Show me how to seek You with my all...

There He is again

So - to all of you who have encouraged me to get back into blog-land, I have heeded your advice and here I am. I'm not sure why I picked now, this moment, to start again. After all, all three kids are up and around and the house is a mess. Maybe I'm seeking a temporary escape - who knows.

I was thinking I should do something dramatic and big for my first post in a while, but the only thing that comes to mind is an idea I had months ago. Anyway, I went through a period where I would see the evidence, the presence of God and the oddest times. Now, that is not totally unusual, but my reaction was. I would see something or here something and be in tears immediately.

I remember there was one time when I was driving over a bridge and saw a seagull fly overhead with a fish in its mouth. I was totally struck by how God has orchestrated and cared for even the smallest of creatures. So there I was, trying to drive in traffic and trying to fight back tears, but loving the presence of God - all because of a seagul and a dead fish.

Another time I was hanging out after church and my husband was playing with my youngest. He was holding her in the air (REALLY high, mind you) and she was reaching to the ceiling - wanting to go higher. I loved it! God spoke to me about my desire to go higher and to play with my daddy!

There are other times too, that I can't remember right now (oh, how I wish I was a faithful journaler). I am so blessed by that time. A time when God chose to show up again and again, if for no other reason to bless His kid and show my how real He is, how big He is, and how much He loves me.

Thanks God. May I never stop seeing you in the little things!

Because she can

My 10 month old is learning to walk. She has well mastered crawling and standing up on things and is now moving on to the exciting, and much feared toddling stage. Yesterday I was watching her negotiate this new found skill. She was walking behind a cart type toy with wheels and was SO excited. She would stop, look at me, wrinkle her nose and squeal - very cute! Then she would let go and sit down and stand up - unassisted. I watched her do maybe four "baby squats." Stand up - sit down - stand up - sit down. I began to think about how I would feel doing that - I think my legs would buckle after the first two, and here she was doing this and finding joy in working her muscles and learning a new aspect of her abilities. I thought, why would she do that? I never would willingly do squats without a ton of encouragement or a whole lot of prodding. I think she does them simply because she knows that she can now, and couldn't a couple days ago.

Then I started think about my spiritual walk and how many abilities and gifts God gives up and really wants us to discover and learn. I've obviously known all along that Macey would walk someday, that sooner or later she would be in the running, keeping up with and chasing down her siblings. I'm not sure this has always been obvious to her. In fact, I can imagine she has often looked at Kylie and Caleb running wild and wanting with all her might to join them, but she just wasn't ready. She didn't have the practice or the coordination yet.

My thoughts then when to last Sunday at church. During worship a guy started running laps around the room (check out Tom's blog site for a more detailed account - http://emancipationofthefreed.blogspot.com). Anyway, by 3 year old was really taken by watching Tyler run. She asked if she could run, too. I said "of course," and off she went. Then my two year old started running, walking, jumping in the line too. I felt tears in my eyes and didn't quite comprehend why. As I've been mulling this over in my mind and heart I think I've realized a couple things. Kylie didn't care that she was is 20 years younger than Tyler, she didn't care that she couldn't run as fast or that she was smaller. She just wanted to run. She just wanted join in what she saw happening.

Every time she would pass by me, she would stick her little fist in the air and say "Mommy, I'm doing it." Wow - that really made the tears start coming. I think I was seeing a prophetic picture of her future- that she has such determination, such drive to join what God is doing, that not much will hold her back. I also think I was seeing her run as a prophetic picture of myself. My fears often hold me back and though I've been walking with the Lord for 15+ years, I often still see myself as 3. I am afraid of falling, I am afraid of not keeping up. But there are so many people around that are cheering me, us, on that I should just get up and go!

I know there are times when I look at those who are more mature in the areas of their walk with God than I am and want desperately to join them, to run with them. Perhaps I do have that ability, that calling that will be developed after a while. Perhaps I just need to willingly do spiritual squats - they may be difficult and I will most likely fall on my bum a few times and may not always keep up - but, hey, my Daddy is there chearing me on and holding my hands while I learn to walk, even run!

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us , looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the sham, and has set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 11:1-2

The conclusion of the whole matter...

I read finished reading Ecclesiastes this afternoon. Good book. As I have been reading it and studying some of it over the past month or so I found many nuggets of truth, a couple things that changed my outlook dramatically and a few things that I know that I don't really comprehend.

When I started reading through the book I read the last verse first - don't know why, but it has been hanging next to my kitchen sink for quite a while. "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil."

This whole concept really went deep with me today - maybe because I finished the book and it makes more sense, but I think it is more likely that I was in a place to really listen and hear. I know there are a lot of decisions in life to make. Specific to my family are decisions like: more schooling? More kids? How do we use our finances? How/when do we step into minsitry? And many, many more.

I am a worrier by nature and tend to get overwhelmed by decisions easily. I will go around in circles in my mind until I am dizzy and never come to a conclusion. I think I realized on a new level today what trusting in the Lord, and not leaning on my understanding really means. I have heard it said that when the Psalms say that "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path," That the light used in those days was only enough to see the next couple steps. And here I am wanting to see the whole path! It stands to reason, that based on my understanding of God's character, that if I "Fear God and keep His commandments," that he really will take care of the rest- and infinitely better than I would. That if I truly make this my "all" then decisions will be clear, and only having enough light to see the next step will bring more peace than anxiety.

I love the way Solomon sums up all his thoughts, all of the passages that end in "vanity of vanities" with an admonition, to let God be God and to seek Him. Pretty cool - or as my 3 year old would say "That's amazing!"

characteristically out of character

Sometimes I surprise myself. There are times when I do things and then look back and wonder if that was really me. I think I am recovering from such an incident of this calibur that occured last night. I will spare you the details - it's not pretty. But I've been thinking a lot today (in between helping 11 three year olds in a classroom and lunch and naps and feedings).

I'm wondering what happened. I am wondering why. I am wondering where do I go from here. I think in this place of brokenness I am hearing God more clearly than I have in a while. I recently wrote about how God allows and invites mistakes. I know I believed that when I wrote it, but maybe now and I learning to embrace it a have definitely experienced it a little more close to home.

I am not sure why I acted so seemingly out of character except that maybe that really is my character. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? I think I usually hold things together pretty well, I can usually keep things, including myself, under control. As I've been seeking God today, I have a feeling He allowed what happened to happen so that I could be broken. (I seem to remember writting about "Be broken or get crushed") I think I am getting crushed.

It's not really all that bad of a place to be. I am seeing for the first time in a while just how huge my dependence is, and needs to be, on God. I am realizing how hopeless victory is on my own. Granted, these are things that I have known in my head for a while, things that I would undoubtedly recite and preach to others, but now I am gaining and more intimate experiencial knowledge of these truths.

If not for the reality of God's grace, if not for the promise of victory, if not for knowing that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," who knows where this day would lead. He is HOPE!

Sorry if this was a little depressing. I don't even know why I chose to write about this, of all things, on a blog wher everyone can read it. Maybe I just needed a bit of an outlet. I think that maybe through writing I have discovered a bit more truth...

mistakes...required

I've been a mom for almost 4 years. Definitely not a long time when you look at the big picture, but long enough to know for certain that I am not a perfect parent. Actually I think I figured that out in the first day or so of Kylie's life...

I don't think I ever really expected to be perfect, per say, but there were certain things that I swore I would NEVER do. I would never yell. I would never spank out of anger. I would never...and the list goes on. Well, recently, my "never" list has become more the norm than the exception. I don't know if it's lack of sleep, or lack of understanding, or just having three incredibly different and active kids - but lately I feel like I have been doing more harm than good. So, like any good parent, I've aquired some parenting "guides." As I've been reading about creative correction and daring to discipline, there has been one common thought - "Man, I really screwed that one up."

Now, I am not having a pity party, or looking for sympathy. Just trying to give the background to what I have discovered. I've been praying, and really struggling with the concept of grace towards parents. I imagine that if another young mom came to me feeling the same way, I would be able to speak of God's grace and His love and covering, all the while feeling the same helplessness and she.

Looking back on my childhood I know that my parents made plenty of mistakes, but I know that my sister and brother and I all turned out pretty good. I recently asked my mom about this, about how she felt being a stay-at-home mom of 3, and she replied "I really don't know how you all turned out the way you do. It was definitley nothing I did, but all by the GRACE of God."

Insert hope here!

It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept that I am allowed, even expected to make mistakes as a mom. I mean, it's not like I burned the spaghetti, or wrecked a car, or even screwed up the finances. I am directly impacting the life of a human being. It seems like that is one area that mistakes should not be allowed.

Today on the way home as my 9 month old was screaming, and my 2 year old was having a cow because my three year old, who was asking why my 9 month was screaming, was touching his seat, I think I had an epiphany. Mistake are not only allowed but required. If I did everything perfectly, if my kids were always angelic and my house was always spotless, then I would NEVER cry out to God. It would be easy to take credit for their good behavior (yes, that do behave sometimes). I also know that I would not have any deeper an understanding of grace.

As it is now, when someone compliments their behavior, my first thought is "are you sure you're talking about MY kids?" Then I realize, God's hand is definitley in this whole parenting journey. Maybe there is hope for my "never" list to be overcome, I think there is hope that they will all live to see their teen years (beyond that I guarantee at this moment)!

Thank God that He does indeed "gently lead those with little lambs."

Be Broken or Get Crushed and Other Things

So I am kind of having a hard time with this whole blog thing. It's not that I don't like to write, or don't want to write, or even that I have a lack of ideas to write about. It's just that I feel it is so rare that I get not only a chance to sit and write what I feel, but also very rare that I can develop a whole thought to the point where I feel it is blog worthy. So, I've decided to give that whole idealogy the boot and just be random and maybe use this to clear my head a bit. Nothing profound, nothing deep, maybe not even coherent, but - hey, that's me!!

My husband and I went on a wine tour with his company the other day. We invited some of our friends from church to join us and had a great time. Through the course of conversation we were talking about being ruined and wasted by God and one of our friends mentioned a guy that was being prayed for and the dude praying for him prayed that he would have a case of spiritual turrets. Sounds pretty weird. Well to make the story short, and if I understood it correctly, the guy could only speak what God wanted - would speak the word of God to people even when he didn't necessarily plan to. That scared me.

I often pray and sing and really think I do desire to do only what God wants. I know that spirit longs to speak life changing truth into people's lives. But I also am very well aware that I like to be in control. I like to chose when I listen and when I talk and when I ignore it for convenience, or pride.

As my hubby and I were talking later he mentioned his own experience with being rocked by God. It kind of led him to the idea of - Be broken or get crushed. You can chose to be broken before God, you can chose to let go of the junk that ties you to this world, to your soul and be wasted on Him - OR he will do it for you - ouch.

My pastor was talking on Sunday about being in a time right now where walking/living in the Spirit is optional. That really cut to my heart. Why would I chose NOT to walk in the spirit? Is there anything about this world that I desire more than the presence, the glory, the love of God? My Spirit cries a resounding "No - there is nothing!" and yet I cling so desperatly, so incredibly stubbornly to fading illusions.

I found myself asking - so what is the answer? What's the fix? I can only think of one thing. Relationship, relationship, relationship! (Hee hee - i snuck it in there Deep Impact guys)! No really though - I think that if I truly had any idea of who God really was, if I could taste just one drop of Him, get one glimpse of His glory, I would be wasted. How do I get there? Seek, ask, knock, press in. I know He is there, I know He desires this more than I do. I think it is just a matter of putting aside what my soul thinks I need and living, decidedly, on purpose, with a vengence and resolve - in and by the spirit.

He loves me! He loves me not?

My husband recently told me that he's not sure he loves me, not sure he ever really has.

You can probably imagine my reaction - mouth wide open, mind slightly freaking out, emotions trying to reconcile what he was saying. It turns out, it's not as bad as I thought - in fact, it was a refreshing way to look at life and marriage and love. Let me explain.

I was feeling nostalgic and asked him if he remembered the first time I told HIM I loved him. Yes, I was the first one to say those all improtant 3 words. Of course he remembered. I asked him if he was going to say it to me that same night. He said something like "probably not...I don't know." Hmmmm.... So I asked him - did you love me then? He said "I'm not sure" (again - shock). Then - to top it off, he said something to the effect of "I still wonder if I do." Not a good thing to say to a woman - especially your wife.

So, I decided to not cause him much physical pain and instead let him explain.

His thought process was - what really is love? Sure, I care about you, I even like you a lot (gee thanks). I cherish you, and desire you, but do I really love you? Do my actions really show that? Do I always put you first, even to my hurt. Do I daily lay down my life for you, do I continually give all of my for the sake of you? I certainly try to, but I am not sure that I always DO love you.

I guess I've always thought of love as the "I can't imagine the next five minutes of my life without you," type of thing. Definitely it's more than the ooey-gooey-mushy feeling of infatuation. But, I've never thought of it in the terms he put it in. I would have to say he is right though.

I know my husband "loves" me according to what I think love is - I have no doubts about it. I also know that I admire and "love" him all the more for his view on what love really is. It is a blessing to me to know that he wants to love me with a Christ-like love and is not satisfied by the worlds, or my, definition of what love is.

Most definitely, I an not an expert in love. In fact I'm not sure anyone really is. I don't think any of us can ever attain the level of love demonstrated by God, by Christ. I can try to, I can strive to, but believe love will only be complete, will only be perfectly manifest, when we see Him face to face.

So, when I feel that mushy feeling welling up inside - will I decline to say those three words and chose to claim that "I am really trying to love you?" I don't know. I doesn't quite have the same feel - but quite possibly holds more truth.

calling

So I kind of had a revelation tonight. I've been thinking about callings. How do you pursue them, how do you even know what your calling is, do they define you - how? Is your calling sometimes defined by your current situation versus your desired/hoped for future?
I hear the word destiny tossed around a lot. "It is my destiny to do this thing" "Why don't my parents see this is my destiny" "I am searching for my destiny." All good and well - God has placed a desire of the future on our hearts. Ecclesiastes says "He has placed eternity in their hearts." But what about now? Am I walking in my destiny, my calling for NOW.
There are many things I aspire to and desire to do. I love to teach younger women. I love to swim (kind of silly, but I love being in the water. Metaphorical? Maybe). I love to write, I love to teach, I love to sing (not well or in public, but I love belting out really off tune worship to my King - I just hope he loves it as much as I love my kids singing from pure joy). All of these things are aspects I would like to improve on, to develop. I often (and by often I mean most of the time), feel discontented with my life - with the fact that I am not in a place to really, expertly develop these aspects of my life. I get frustrated with what I could have, with what I could be and totally loose sight of what is before me.
I have an amazing husband, and three amazing kids. They are what I am called to. I am called to be a wife and a mother. I think I am learning, or have realized the mothering part - though with many mistakes attached - because being a mom is very upfront and demanding in my mind. My munchkins, beign 3,2, and 9 mos, constantly in need of something or other pretty much 24/7. It is easy to wrap my mind around the fact that I am called to them - after all - everywhere I look - there they are!
But, what about my partner in all of this? What about the man that I am supposed to be a helpmeet to? The one that I am supposed to help and support. The one that I am called to walk alongside of?
We have been married for almost 6 years - not long for most people, but for me it sometimes seems like forever - I've been married for about 1/4 of my life (yikes). Anyway, for most of our marriage he has been in school. In fact for all of our marriage, not counting the last 4 mos, he has been in school, and working full time, and leading worship at our church. I think I did a pretty good job, of course it was not without much divine intervention, of supportin him during this time. But now that he is out of school, I think I upped my expectations, and totally slacked on the support part. I am still called to be his WIFE - not his wathcman, not his manager, not his employee, but his helper, his partner.
I sometimes get jealous of his time - not nescessarily a bad thing - but sometimes a confusing thing. I know we are called to serve in our church. I know He/We have a calling, a destiny on our lives that will exceed our imaginations and expectations. So, why do I dig my heels in when he wants to spend time working on things that will help fulfill this? I think because I am not directly (ie - doing web design, ordering equipment etc) doing things with him, I feel it is just another thing taking up his time.
What I realized tonight as a result of a conversation with my amazing sister-in-law *love you K* is that when you look at supporting your husband and his various ministries, whether it be pounding out HTML for the church website, or jamming with the guys, or good old-fashioned Bible study, as your part in this ministry, outlooks change a whole lot. It is my part, my ministry to support him in HIS ministry, in OUR ministry. If that means beign okay with him being gone more and me being alone with the munchkins more - than that is okay. I need to desire to pour myself into my aspect of this, OUR, ministry with the same intensity as he does in his.
I feel like I just wrote a lot to get to this one conclusion. But, hey its 1:30 am, and my mind is racing - really shouldn't have had that 2 pepsi's tonight - arghhh!!!
Here's hoping things change - only by the Grace of an amazing GOD!