characteristically out of character

Sometimes I surprise myself. There are times when I do things and then look back and wonder if that was really me. I think I am recovering from such an incident of this calibur that occured last night. I will spare you the details - it's not pretty. But I've been thinking a lot today (in between helping 11 three year olds in a classroom and lunch and naps and feedings).

I'm wondering what happened. I am wondering why. I am wondering where do I go from here. I think in this place of brokenness I am hearing God more clearly than I have in a while. I recently wrote about how God allows and invites mistakes. I know I believed that when I wrote it, but maybe now and I learning to embrace it a have definitely experienced it a little more close to home.

I am not sure why I acted so seemingly out of character except that maybe that really is my character. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? I think I usually hold things together pretty well, I can usually keep things, including myself, under control. As I've been seeking God today, I have a feeling He allowed what happened to happen so that I could be broken. (I seem to remember writting about "Be broken or get crushed") I think I am getting crushed.

It's not really all that bad of a place to be. I am seeing for the first time in a while just how huge my dependence is, and needs to be, on God. I am realizing how hopeless victory is on my own. Granted, these are things that I have known in my head for a while, things that I would undoubtedly recite and preach to others, but now I am gaining and more intimate experiencial knowledge of these truths.

If not for the reality of God's grace, if not for the promise of victory, if not for knowing that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," who knows where this day would lead. He is HOPE!

Sorry if this was a little depressing. I don't even know why I chose to write about this, of all things, on a blog wher everyone can read it. Maybe I just needed a bit of an outlet. I think that maybe through writing I have discovered a bit more truth...