Tuesday, April 18, 2006

He loves me! He loves me not?

My husband recently told me that he's not sure he loves me, not sure he ever really has.

You can probably imagine my reaction - mouth wide open, mind slightly freaking out, emotions trying to reconcile what he was saying. It turns out, it's not as bad as I thought - in fact, it was a refreshing way to look at life and marriage and love. Let me explain.

I was feeling nostalgic and asked him if he remembered the first time I told HIM I loved him. Yes, I was the first one to say those all improtant 3 words. Of course he remembered. I asked him if he was going to say it to me that same night. He said something like "probably not...I don't know." Hmmmm.... So I asked him - did you love me then? He said "I'm not sure" (again - shock). Then - to top it off, he said something to the effect of "I still wonder if I do." Not a good thing to say to a woman - especially your wife.

So, I decided to not cause him much physical pain and instead let him explain.

His thought process was - what really is love? Sure, I care about you, I even like you a lot (gee thanks). I cherish you, and desire you, but do I really love you? Do my actions really show that? Do I always put you first, even to my hurt. Do I daily lay down my life for you, do I continually give all of my for the sake of you? I certainly try to, but I am not sure that I always DO love you.

I guess I've always thought of love as the "I can't imagine the next five minutes of my life without you," type of thing. Definitely it's more than the ooey-gooey-mushy feeling of infatuation. But, I've never thought of it in the terms he put it in. I would have to say he is right though.

I know my husband "loves" me according to what I think love is - I have no doubts about it. I also know that I admire and "love" him all the more for his view on what love really is. It is a blessing to me to know that he wants to love me with a Christ-like love and is not satisfied by the worlds, or my, definition of what love is.

Most definitely, I an not an expert in love. In fact I'm not sure anyone really is. I don't think any of us can ever attain the level of love demonstrated by God, by Christ. I can try to, I can strive to, but believe love will only be complete, will only be perfectly manifest, when we see Him face to face.

So, when I feel that mushy feeling welling up inside - will I decline to say those three words and chose to claim that "I am really trying to love you?" I don't know. I doesn't quite have the same feel - but quite possibly holds more truth.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


So I kind of had a revelation tonight. I've been thinking about callings. How do you pursue them, how do you even know what your calling is, do they define you - how? Is your calling sometimes defined by your current situation versus your desired/hoped for future?
I hear the word destiny tossed around a lot. "It is my destiny to do this thing" "Why don't my parents see this is my destiny" "I am searching for my destiny." All good and well - God has placed a desire of the future on our hearts. Ecclesiastes says "He has placed eternity in their hearts." But what about now? Am I walking in my destiny, my calling for NOW.
There are many things I aspire to and desire to do. I love to teach younger women. I love to swim (kind of silly, but I love being in the water. Metaphorical? Maybe). I love to write, I love to teach, I love to sing (not well or in public, but I love belting out really off tune worship to my King - I just hope he loves it as much as I love my kids singing from pure joy). All of these things are aspects I would like to improve on, to develop. I often (and by often I mean most of the time), feel discontented with my life - with the fact that I am not in a place to really, expertly develop these aspects of my life. I get frustrated with what I could have, with what I could be and totally loose sight of what is before me.
I have an amazing husband, and three amazing kids. They are what I am called to. I am called to be a wife and a mother. I think I am learning, or have realized the mothering part - though with many mistakes attached - because being a mom is very upfront and demanding in my mind. My munchkins, beign 3,2, and 9 mos, constantly in need of something or other pretty much 24/7. It is easy to wrap my mind around the fact that I am called to them - after all - everywhere I look - there they are!
But, what about my partner in all of this? What about the man that I am supposed to be a helpmeet to? The one that I am supposed to help and support. The one that I am called to walk alongside of?
We have been married for almost 6 years - not long for most people, but for me it sometimes seems like forever - I've been married for about 1/4 of my life (yikes). Anyway, for most of our marriage he has been in school. In fact for all of our marriage, not counting the last 4 mos, he has been in school, and working full time, and leading worship at our church. I think I did a pretty good job, of course it was not without much divine intervention, of supportin him during this time. But now that he is out of school, I think I upped my expectations, and totally slacked on the support part. I am still called to be his WIFE - not his wathcman, not his manager, not his employee, but his helper, his partner.
I sometimes get jealous of his time - not nescessarily a bad thing - but sometimes a confusing thing. I know we are called to serve in our church. I know He/We have a calling, a destiny on our lives that will exceed our imaginations and expectations. So, why do I dig my heels in when he wants to spend time working on things that will help fulfill this? I think because I am not directly (ie - doing web design, ordering equipment etc) doing things with him, I feel it is just another thing taking up his time.
What I realized tonight as a result of a conversation with my amazing sister-in-law *love you K* is that when you look at supporting your husband and his various ministries, whether it be pounding out HTML for the church website, or jamming with the guys, or good old-fashioned Bible study, as your part in this ministry, outlooks change a whole lot. It is my part, my ministry to support him in HIS ministry, in OUR ministry. If that means beign okay with him being gone more and me being alone with the munchkins more - than that is okay. I need to desire to pour myself into my aspect of this, OUR, ministry with the same intensity as he does in his.
I feel like I just wrote a lot to get to this one conclusion. But, hey its 1:30 am, and my mind is racing - really shouldn't have had that 2 pepsi's tonight - arghhh!!!
Here's hoping things change - only by the Grace of an amazing GOD!