So I am kind of having a hard time with this whole blog thing. It's not that I don't like to write, or don't want to write, or even that I have a lack of ideas to write about. It's just that I feel it is so rare that I get not only a chance to sit and write what I feel, but also very rare that I can develop a whole thought to the point where I feel it is blog worthy. So, I've decided to give that whole idealogy the boot and just be random and maybe use this to clear my head a bit. Nothing profound, nothing deep, maybe not even coherent, but - hey, that's me!!
My husband and I went on a wine tour with his company the other day. We invited some of our friends from church to join us and had a great time. Through the course of conversation we were talking about being ruined and wasted by God and one of our friends mentioned a guy that was being prayed for and the dude praying for him prayed that he would have a case of spiritual turrets. Sounds pretty weird. Well to make the story short, and if I understood it correctly, the guy could only speak what God wanted - would speak the word of God to people even when he didn't necessarily plan to. That scared me.
I often pray and sing and really think I do desire to do only what God wants. I know that spirit longs to speak life changing truth into people's lives. But I also am very well aware that I like to be in control. I like to chose when I listen and when I talk and when I ignore it for convenience, or pride.
As my hubby and I were talking later he mentioned his own experience with being rocked by God. It kind of led him to the idea of - Be broken or get crushed. You can chose to be broken before God, you can chose to let go of the junk that ties you to this world, to your soul and be wasted on Him - OR he will do it for you - ouch.
My pastor was talking on Sunday about being in a time right now where walking/living in the Spirit is optional. That really cut to my heart. Why would I chose NOT to walk in the spirit? Is there anything about this world that I desire more than the presence, the glory, the love of God? My Spirit cries a resounding "No - there is nothing!" and yet I cling so desperatly, so incredibly stubbornly to fading illusions.
I found myself asking - so what is the answer? What's the fix? I can only think of one thing. Relationship, relationship, relationship! (Hee hee - i snuck it in there Deep Impact guys)! No really though - I think that if I truly had any idea of who God really was, if I could taste just one drop of Him, get one glimpse of His glory, I would be wasted. How do I get there? Seek, ask, knock, press in. I know He is there, I know He desires this more than I do. I think it is just a matter of putting aside what my soul thinks I need and living, decidedly, on purpose, with a vengence and resolve - in and by the spirit.