Tuesday, April 18, 2006

He loves me! He loves me not?

My husband recently told me that he's not sure he loves me, not sure he ever really has.

You can probably imagine my reaction - mouth wide open, mind slightly freaking out, emotions trying to reconcile what he was saying. It turns out, it's not as bad as I thought - in fact, it was a refreshing way to look at life and marriage and love. Let me explain.

I was feeling nostalgic and asked him if he remembered the first time I told HIM I loved him. Yes, I was the first one to say those all improtant 3 words. Of course he remembered. I asked him if he was going to say it to me that same night. He said something like "probably not...I don't know." Hmmmm.... So I asked him - did you love me then? He said "I'm not sure" (again - shock). Then - to top it off, he said something to the effect of "I still wonder if I do." Not a good thing to say to a woman - especially your wife.

So, I decided to not cause him much physical pain and instead let him explain.

His thought process was - what really is love? Sure, I care about you, I even like you a lot (gee thanks). I cherish you, and desire you, but do I really love you? Do my actions really show that? Do I always put you first, even to my hurt. Do I daily lay down my life for you, do I continually give all of my for the sake of you? I certainly try to, but I am not sure that I always DO love you.

I guess I've always thought of love as the "I can't imagine the next five minutes of my life without you," type of thing. Definitely it's more than the ooey-gooey-mushy feeling of infatuation. But, I've never thought of it in the terms he put it in. I would have to say he is right though.

I know my husband "loves" me according to what I think love is - I have no doubts about it. I also know that I admire and "love" him all the more for his view on what love really is. It is a blessing to me to know that he wants to love me with a Christ-like love and is not satisfied by the worlds, or my, definition of what love is.

Most definitely, I an not an expert in love. In fact I'm not sure anyone really is. I don't think any of us can ever attain the level of love demonstrated by God, by Christ. I can try to, I can strive to, but believe love will only be complete, will only be perfectly manifest, when we see Him face to face.

So, when I feel that mushy feeling welling up inside - will I decline to say those three words and chose to claim that "I am really trying to love you?" I don't know. I doesn't quite have the same feel - but quite possibly holds more truth.


skidmarksontheside said...

awesome baby! great way to bring it around and keep it fresh!!

keep writing!

Tom Zawacki said...

I love both of you guys! It's awesome to watch the two of you together. God did a good thing when he matched you to each other. And you make really good looking babies! The call on your lives is huge and I'm thrilled to have a front row seat.

I enjoy the way you write, it's real and from the heart!